How to vacation with friends without ruining the friendship
Fifty per cent of people say they expect to travel with friends in the next 12 months, based on a 2022 survey. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION: PIXABAY
Paul Heng
Aug 26, 2024
SINGAPORE – My first trip overseas with a friend was taken before the Covid-19 pandemic. It started when my wife Jane urged me to plan for a trip to Bhutan with my good friend, Dr Mohan Kumar, as she was not keen to visit the Himalayan nation.
After years of travel with Jane and our family, the Bhutan trip in May 2019 was my first without her by my side.
I met Dr Kumar, who is from India and is now based in Phuket, a decade ago when he was working with a large British banking institution. I had visited his office in the hope of securing some coaching business.
He started off our first meeting with these words: “Paul, how can I help you to get some business from my bank?”
No other potential client had been as forthcoming or helpful in all my years of managing my boutique firm. This was the beginning of our friendship.
The writer (left) travelled with his friend Mohan Kumar to Bhutan in 2019. PHOTO: COURTESY OF PAUL HENG
Like me, many around the world are gravitating towards “friend-cations”.
Fifty per cent of people say they expect to travel with friends in the next 12 months, based on a 2022 survey of more than 10,000 people from 12 countries across the Asia-Pacific region and the United States.
The survey was conducted by online travel agency Agoda and British-headquartered market research and data analytics firm YouGov.
Perhaps this attitude has something to do with the pandemic where, among many lessons, we have learnt not to take relationships for granted.
Yet, a good friend cautioned Jane and me that it was entirely possible that friends go away for a trip and return as enemies.
These words resonated with us. My wife and I cherish our friends, but there are a lot of things that can go wrong when you decide to travel together. This is especially true as we all have our own peculiarities, needs and wants.
After taking five vacations with friends to places such as Bhutan, Japan, Phuket and China, these are some tips I have learnt for a smooth trip.
1. Agree on a destination and budget
The most obvious joint decision you have is the destination. Because of factors such as logistics and work schedules, it is easiest to agree on a nearby destination and limit the stay to a week.
When Dr Kumar and I were planning our Bhutan trip, we agreed on a budget, then looked for a tour package to suit it.
“For the price you paid, I would have done the same trip for 50 per cent less,” commented another friend, whom I had been trying to persuade to join us.
But this buddy had already been to Tibet and felt that Bhutan was not very different. In hindsight, it was a good thing that he did not join us.
Given our different spending habits, we may have disagreed on issues such as where to eat, as some meals were excluded from the package. My friend could well afford to travel in style, but had his head firmly planted on his shoulders.
The writer (left) and his friend Dr Kumar got along easily during their trip to Bhutan, as they had similar preferences in food and visiting places of interest. PHOTO: COURTESY OF PAUL HENG
Together, Dr Kumar and I had a wonderful trip. It helped that we were aligned on many counts, including the food we enjoyed, places of interest and having a shot or two of whisky after dinner.
It helps to pick a destination that caters to different preferences.
In May 2022, Jane and I went to Club Med Phuket with another couple. It was our first Club Med trip, while our friends were repeat customers who enjoyed the all-inclusive resort chain.
We reckoned that Club Med would be a safe bet. It was a free-and-easy concept with food and lodging taken care of as part of the package, and everything was located within the property. Buffet meals prevented any debate over where to dine, and we could opt for the activities we wanted.
It turned out to be a wise decision, and we had a great time bonding.
2. Prepare to compromise
With differing preferences, a healthy dose of compromise always helps.
Jane and I have a pair of friends who, like us, enjoy being pampered. With them, agreeing on accommodation is less of a challenge.
On a trip to Bali in August 2022, we tried out the newly opened Buahan, a Banyan Tree Escape, which the home-grown brand bills as a “naked experience”.
What an experience it was, spending our nights in a villa without windows and walls. We had all sorts of nightly visitors, including bats – all of which were harmless.
Considering that we were celebrating a good friend’s birthday, and that we were travelling as two couples for the first time in over 30 years of friendship, I thought it was worth the money we spent.
At today’s rates, rooms at the property cost around $1,700 a night. We returned in high spirits and agreed that we would do it again.
The writer and his wife visited Hokkaido, Japan, in 2023 with another couple. PHOTO: JOHN TAN
On a trip to Hokkaido, Japan, in June 2023 with a different couple, Jane and I had to compromise on the choice of hotel. Their rationale was this – since we were going to be out almost the entire day and needed only a bed for the night, they preferred more mid-tier accommodation.
It made sense. Affordability was not the issue here, as it was more a matter of preferences. So, we compromised on the hotels we stayed at.
3. Make room for personal space
PHOTO: PIXABAY
Going on a trip with friends does not mean you must spend all your time together.
Vacationing with friends does not mean you need to spend every moment together.
On a couples trip, I enjoy spending some time just being with Jane. We might go to a different place of interest, or have a meal or two in different restaurants.
Spontaneity is a good thing when you are on holiday. Friends and I agree that if our itineraries diverge, it is temporary and has nothing to do with not wanting to be with our friends.
On a trip to Japan in July 2023, we ate most of our meals with our travelling companions, a couple, splitting up only twice when our preferences did not align.
4. Money matters
The writer and his friends split expenses such as hotel, transport and meal costs evenly. PHOTO: INSTAREM
There are various ways to handle expenses during the trip, including Splitwise (www.splitwise.com), a web and app tool that helps divide up the bill.
At the beginning of the holidays, my friends and I establish a physical pool of cash where both parties deposit an agreed-upon sum. One of us will be responsible for making payments during the trip, such as air tickets, train tickets, hotels and meals. All expenses will be split evenly.
This is to avoid uncomfortable situations where one party ends up paying more. Of course, we make exceptions such as birthday celebrations, where we treat our friends to a meal.
5. Move at a comfortable pace
Morning calls are my pet peeve. When Jane and I holiday, we adopt a free-and-easy mindset.
I dislike conversations that begin with, “What time tomorrow, huh?” For me, they belong to the era when we travelled via tour packages.
The pain point was the end-of-the-day announcement by the tour leader on what time to wake up, what time to march down to the breakfast hall and what time to board the bus.
These days, I vacation at my own pace. I get up when I want to, have breakfast when I feel like it, and go out for the day when I am ready. Sometimes, I might rise naturally at 6am. But once in a while, I would like to laze in bed and maybe have breakfast in my room.
I share these preferences with my travel companions and, on such mornings, they enjoy breakfast without Jane and me.
6. How to soothe raw nerves
Good friends are those you can speak your minds with, and with whom there is no need to be guarded, right? It depends.
Sometimes, all it takes is something as simple as not sleeping well the previous night, or having a tiff with your spouse. Then a friend touches on a seemingly innocent topic over breakfast and sets off a disagreement.
Since there is no way to avoid such situations, it is advisable to agree beforehand on a way forward if this happens – rather than risk everyone pulling a long face for the day.
One suggestion is to have a time out, where you split up for the rest of the day to allow for time to cool down. Regroup at night and, hopefully, things will not be as tense.
Paul Heng is the founder of NeXT Career Consulting Group. He is a member of Rotary International and a volunteer with Dementia Singapore.
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